Winky Face!

I'm just going to come right out and say it.  I am not a huge fan of emoticons.  I do not use a happy face to indicate happiness, or a sad face to indicate sadness.  I don't even use LOL when texting or IMing, as I prefer a simple "ha!" to get the idea of laughter accross.

However, I will acknowledge that I am in the minority.  If there was a battle, I lost.  Emoticons have won, and I accept their place in the world.  I will even admit that they can make the tone of an email or text or whatever clear if the words themselves don't convey the proper meaning.  I don't use them myself, but if someone sends me a frowny face or a confused face, I understand their meaning and move on with my life.

Except!

The winky face.  If there is one emoticon I cannot stand, it is the winky face.  You know the one I mean:

;)

The intended meaning, as far as I'm aware, is to convey cheekiness or sassiness.  And it drives me up the freaking wall.  Because here is the thing.  In real life, people smile at each other, or frown, or have big smiles, or stick out their tongues (which, ugh), or look surprised.  All of which have a corresponding emoticon to convey these expressions.

Do you know what people don't do?  Wink at each other.  Constantly wink at each other.  And if they do, they should stop, because I'm sure they'll just develop a twitch of some kind.

There only two contexts I can think of where winking is appropriate in real life.

One:  If you are playing a joke on someone and want to let someone they are with in on the joke subtly.  A wink at that person while continuing the joking will get that message across, and then hopefully they'll get in on the joke and you'll all have some fun times.

Two:  A pickup wink, done in jest.  Possibly accompanied by finger guns.  This works in almost any circumstance in life, and is generally delightful.

That's it!  Those are the only two situations in which you should be winking!  Or maybe if you're trying to get a contact back in place.  But blinking would also accomplish this, so let's forget that one.

Two!

So, when I see people (and god help me, so many people do this) use the winky face after a comment they mean to be funny, all I can think is STOP STOP STOP!  If you need to use an emoticon (and I really must stress that no one needs to use an emoticon) in that case, will the smiley face not do?  What is wrong with the good old smiley face?  Are you too good for the smiley face??

Your cheekiness comes across as far less cheeky if you have to tell me you're being cheeky!  (Also, the work cheeky looks funny when you write it too many times. Cheeky.) Would you really wink in real life after you said whatever you just said?  I thought not. It's just dumb.  Stop it.

However, if someone develops an emoticon for the double finger guns, I will have to bow to their genius and gladly allow all winky face/double finger gun emoticon combos, as they will be hilarious.

Change Time!

So, last week I turned 32. And that really makes me think I should be at least somewhat of a grown up. I also got to thinking about my blog, and what I want from it. I like it, and don't want to let it die out entirely, but I also realized that I wasn't updating in its current form (which you probably realized as well, if you're still actually checking this. Thanks for that, if you are, by the way). I decided it was time for a change.

The name of this blog has been "Alice's Dark Place" since I started writing it in 2004. The name was based on an inside joke between a friend and I, and was probably never funny to anyone else, at any point ever. Since I am now a grown up, and firmly in my early thirties, I decided I needed to update not only the look but the name. And so we come to "Alice's Grown Up Blog".

And yes, that is the best name I could come up with. And yes, I actually did give it quite a bit of thought.

My life hasn't changed that much since I've last written, but it's definitely gotten busier. I'm doing much more at work, which is great and I love it. My flat is on the market, and I'm thinking of moving to a nice converted Victorian flat and getting out of the purpose built 1970s flat market. The cats are adorable, although Lucy is twice the size of Beez, and I have no idea how that happened.

On the personal side, things have probably changed more. I've been really busy with work, which means I'm not seeing as much of my friends as I would like to. I've done a lot of evaluating of my friendships, and realized that I have some really amazing friends, but that you can't stay friends with everyone forever. Such is life. I'm going to do more to keep in touch with my friends, who I love, and not let work take over my entire life.

I'm also going to buy a flatscreen TV. Life is exciting, people. Exciting!

I want to devote more time to my blog, to Londonist, to Steve Guttenberg and to writing in general. Turns out I like it. And I miss having people read my writing. I've missed y'all!

Anyway, I'm back. It's all very fabulous.

Films I Plan To Never Ever See

Can I just say that the premise of The Strangers scares the crap out of me? It's terrifying. The scariest thing I can think of.

People come to your house and torture you and then kill you just because you were home? So. Freaking. Scary.

It stars Liv Tyler, who I like, and Scott Speedman, who is dreamy. Normally, the two of them cast as the leads in a movie would get me interested. A rom com with the two of them? Please, as if you could keep me away on opening day.

But, the two of them in a film with a terrifying premise that is giving me anxiety attacks even though I haven't even seen it? Not for me.

I pass the poster every day on my way to work - it's on a phone booth on Balham High Road, just before the tube station. And every single day, I think "God, that's so scary." The poster I pass has the three masked figures on it, and that freaks me out too. They're wearing creepy masks! And two of them are girls!

What is up with these people?

I get easily freaked out when I'm home alone - not in my own house, but in other people's houses. Even my parents' house. I always have to do a full check of the house. You know, to make sure there aren't killers lurking, waiting to kill me. The room that scares me most is bathrooms, but only if the shower curtain is closed. I always have to check behind it, y'know, to make sure the killer isn't standing behind the curtain in the bathtub, and it's always a highly tense moment.

I don't really know where this worry comes from - I didn't watch my first horror movie until I was at university (and I still haven't seen most of the classic 80s ones), and I think that's when I started getting freaked out.

So, what with my worry about killers lurking in wait when I'm home alone, you can see why it's very unlikely that I'll see The Strangers. It's not my specific fear covered in the film, but it's one that's just as scary.

I may, however, watch the copy of A Nightmare on Elm Street that I have on DVD at home.

Maybe.

Someday.

Reply All

Okay, I'm going to be controversial here. I don't want to freak you out, or offend you, or cause unnecessary stress, but it's time we dealt with this. Actually, it's past time.

So, you know when you get an email? And it's to you, and lots of other people? Maybe it's a forward full of humorous and/or inspirational musings. Perhaps it's an invitation. It could even be, oh I don't know, an email letting people know about a change of address.

Anyway, there you are, reading the email. Perhaps you chuckle and/or get inspired, perhaps you think "damn straight I'll be there", perhaps you think "congrats on the move". Regardless of the motivation, you wish to respond.

Now, here's where you need to take a moment and pause.

You need to think very carefully about whether your comment of "so funny!" or "great, I'm there!" or "I'll come and visit!" is directed at the person who sent you the email or at the entire list of people the email was sent to.

There are a few factors that can help you with your decision here. Quickly go through the following list in your head:

1. Do I know every single person on this email list?
2. If I do know all these people, am I certain that these are all personal email addresses, and not work addresses?
3. Is my comment both relevant to the conversation and necessary to send to everyone?
4. Really?
5. Seriously, really?

If all of these questions are answered with a firm and decisive yes, then you may proceed with caution to the reply all button and send your response to all the people on the email list.

If the answer to any of these questions is "no" or an "I'm not sure" or an "um, maybe?", then this is the time you want to click on the reply button. It's right there beside the reply all button. Go ahead! Make your witty and/or informative comment to the sender of your email. They'll be happy to get it, I'm sure.

Perhaps you'll initiate an engaging and diverting email conversation that will enrich both your lives. Won't that be fun?

If you can't answer these five questions with a yes, then these people don't want to hear from you. They don't know you. They're at work and will get in trouble for excess personal emails. They don't care if you're going to be at the party.

And the person who sent the email in the first place? They're probably going to be annoyed with you for inflicting this chain of email on their friends/family/co-workers.

Sure, in a perfect world we'd all bcc: emails to lots of people. But it's not a perfect world, is it?

Reply all is annoying. Don't use it unless you have to.

But, wait...

"Oh, Alice?"

Um, look. I'm kind of busy here. I'm trying to finish up at work so that I can meet friends for dinner.

"That's all fine and dandy, but I just need a brief moment of your time."

Okay, what can I do for you?

"A quick question, really. I'm hip to the jive of leaving comments now - by the way, thanks again for that. So helpful."

Really, it was nothing. What's the question?

"Well, you know how I'm posting anonymously?"

Yeah?

"Well, can you tell who I am when I leave my message?"

Uh, do you even know what anonymous means?

"I'm fairly sure I've got the meaning right. But I didn't sign my message, and although I feel deeply certain that my distinctive voice will come through and you'll know exactly who I am, I was just wondering if that might ever cause confusion."

Not meaning to offend you in any way, I probably won't get who you are from your comment unless it's in-joke riddled (two years and out!). While it's not strictly necessary that I know who leaves comments, I'd like to. So, if you do post anonymously, then if you could sign your post, that'd be super cool. Just a little thing.

"Righty-o, then. Just checking in! Have a great night out."

Thanks, you too!

As Requested: Commenting for Dummies

“Gosh, Alice. Your blog is super swell, and I’ve just been dying to comment. But I can’t seem to figure the darn thing out. Any way you could lend me a hand?”

Well, sure I can. It’s really not that complicated. At the end of this post, and at the end of every single other post, on the bottom right hand side there’s a little envelope. No, no. Don’t bother yourself with that for now. It’s a little too complicated for you. Look just to the left of that, and you’ll see a little link that says 0 comments or eighty or three hundred or however many comments there happen to be. Now, click on that.

“Wow, that’s so simple! Thanks!”

But…

“Wait just one cotton picking second! That didn’t work! It just showed me the comments that are already there! How dare you involve me in your web of lies?”

Well, if you’d just listen, I was about to say that I wasn’t finished. At the bottom of those comments (you don’t have to read them all, but it’s considered polite), there’s another link that says post a comment. Now, click on that.

“Hey! That just takes me to a login screen! I don’t have a username and password! Nuts to this. I’m out of here.”

Not so fast, missy. Now, if you have your own blogger account, you could log in here and then your name would come up under your comment. But if you don’t, never fret! There’s another option! Under the login boxes, there’s a link that says or post anonymously. Now, click on that.

“Well, would you look at that! A space to write my comments! How delightful!”

It is, isn’t it? When you’re all done there, all you need to do is press the publish comment button. And voila!

“That’s great! Thanks ever so much for your help. Now, how many b’s are there in ‘super fabulous’?”

One. And, you’re welcome. Always a pleasure.