Fashion Avenger #1

Dear Man I Saw On The Way To Work This Morning,

Look, I know that we don’t know each other, and I really have no business sticking my nose into your business, but there’s something pretty important that I feel I have to tell you.There’s no nice way to say this, but it’s about your jeans. I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but they’re turquoise. Turquoise.

Seriously, what’s up with that?

I can kind of see how it might have happened – you’re cleaning out a wardrobe and find a pair of jeans you’ve forgotten about. You think “hey, these still fit! Great!”, and you proceed to make them a part of your wardrobe.

Now, that would be fine under normal circumstances. We’ve all done that – just the other day, I found a great black sweater that I’d forgotten about. But these are not normal circumstances. These are turquoise jeans circumstances. And, you may be shocked to find, it is not 1987. You’re not co-starring in a teen movie with Corey Haim or Emilio Estevez. You’re not in a wacky sitcom about an alien moving into your house, or a drama about being an undercover narcotics agent. You are not in the New Kids On The Block. You, sir, are no Joey MacIntyre.

You are a middle aged man. It is 2004, and you’re walking down the street at 10:30 on a Sunday morning. And you’re wearing turquoise jeans.

I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I really am. I want to believe that you’re just running to the shop to buy your girlfriend breakfast. Although, I have to believe that if you had a girlfriend, she wouldn’t let you leave the house looking like that. Or, maybe you’re colour blind. But again, someone should have some kind of colour veto on your wardrobe if that’s the case. I’m getting distracted. The point is, I want to believe that the turquoise jeans are a mistake. A one-off. That it’s something that won’t happen again.

I can’t quite convince myself, though. You looked more like you were off for a day in town, or something of the like. And if that was the case, I think you probably looked in a mirror before you left the house.

And if so, I just wanted to write to tell you that it’s not okay. I know fashion can be hard. But you don’t need to read magazines, or watch Queer Eye, or anything elaborate like that. You just need to have a little common sense.

You’ll be fine as long as you put the turquoise jeans where they belong. In the garbage. No, I know that you’re thinking. Don’t make the mistake of giving them to a charity shop. You’ll just be putting some other poor soul in the same position that you’re in right now. And if I get blinded by these jeans again on the street, I’m going to be pretty annoyed with you.

I know you can do it. Good luck.

Best wishes,

Alice

P.S. We’ll talk about the green loafers next time.