Friday, February 25, 2005

Girl, you know it's true

So, here's the thing. A very very good friend of mine is leaving London in a few days. Now, I obviously find this completely unacceptable, but she has chosen to disregard my feelings on this matter and decided to “live her own life”. Whatever that means. Outrageous behaviour, if you ask me.

But, I digress. She’s leaving. And although I’m really happy for her and excited for the potential travel opportunities that a friend in San Francisco gives me, I’m really going to miss her. And as I’ve been thinking about all the reasons she’s so awesome, and how many kick ass times we’ve had, it occurred to me that many of you don’t know her. And I think that’s a damn shame, cause she’s awesome.

So, I’d now like to introduce y’all to a little gal I like to call Kobrinsky.

She’s the girl that, when you first meet her, you think is quite quiet – a nice North Dakota girl. But then you find that you’re attempting to do some kind of waltz with a barman at midnight on a Monday night, all because she demanded that there be dancing. And you know that there is no way you’d have ever found yourself in that situation unless she was there to orchestrate it. It’s a killer story and a great memory, and it’s thanks to her.

Once you get to know her, you realize she’s far from quiet. She is, in fact, one of the loudest people you’ve ever met. But that’s good, cause you’re loud too and you like that about each other. You find that when the two of you are together, you regress to giggly teenagers and that’s hilarious. You start pulling out phrases that you haven’t used in years, like “You’re double O C – out of control” and the word “dude” creeps back into your vocabulary. You can discuss the relative merits of the different New Kids, and she knows you’ll understand her Hans and Franz references. It feels like you’ve known each other forever.

She’s the girl who is dancing in a bikini made of straw at her going away party and keeps saying “I’m wearing a bikini!” and finding it amazing every single time. She’s also the girl that looks smokin’ hot in said bikini.

She’s the girl that knows how to dance, and is always pulling you and everyone else in the room into complicated dances and you find yourself spinning and twirling and being generally fabulous, even though you can’t really dance. She’s the girl that dances the Highland Fling with poets on train platforms in Scotland and entices them to come to Edinburgh with you. And you’re amazed to discover that they’re both really good at the Highland Fling, and you love that they will from now on be willing to dance on the street as long as there’s alcohol involved. (You also love that there’s video footage of this.)

She’s the girl that can keep a joke going forever, which is great because you enjoy the long running joke. It turns out that text messages that just say “cocksucker” are still funny, even seven months later. Who knew? When you both yell “Walk off!” in the middle of a party, you’re the only ones that think it’s funny, and there’s really nothing wrong with that.

She’s the girl that will perform folk dances at the drop of a hat, and even though you’re certain that the one involving all the animal impersonations had to be fake, you love that she tried to convince you it was authentic.

She’s the girl that loves her friends, and takes good care of them. She’s the friend that will be there for you if you need her, and would gladly drop everything if you needed to talk.

She’s a poet, and she’s so smart and clever and very good at what she does. You love her poem “Jesus Smokes”, and can never get enough of hearing it. She’s the girl that, even though she claims to not be good at performance, can charm an audience and have them eating out of her hand. She’s on the stage, and she’s barefoot, and she’s fabulous.

She’s the girl that keeps yelling “I love us!!” on a girls night out. And that’s before she’s drunk.

She’ll buy flowers for a cab driver’s wife on Valentine’s Day, because he hasn’t bought her anything. And then she’ll get the security guard at the petrol station to take your photo.

She’s the girl who helps develop the theory that it’s fine to have Bloody Mary’s for breakfast on holiday, because they have vitamins in them.

She’s very brave – moving countries is hard, and she’s done it more than once. She’s taking a chance and going to live in a new city with the man she fell in love with. And that is awesome.

She’s neurotic and gets stressed out, but can laugh at herself. She recognizes the fabulousness in others, and has some pretty kick ass friends. She throws a great party. She lives in a house with a costume cupboard.

She believes in her heart of hearts that Billy Zane is a poet. It’s so dark where she is right now.

She’s the Naked Kobrinsky. Even with her clothes on.

There are ten thousand other reasons why Kobrinsky is amazing. And I feel very sad for those of you that haven’t met her yet. But you’ve got that to look forward to, so I have to envy that a little.

When I think about how much I’m going to miss her, it’s a little bit much so I fall back on the standard sarcasm and humour. She’s become a huge part of my life in the year that I’ve known her. And there’s going to be a Kobrinsky shaped hole when she leaves.

I think that if there’s one message I want to leave with her before she goes, it’s quite a simple one. I’m going to fall back on the words of a couple of guys who really knew how to touch people’s hearts and souls.

It’s the immortal words of Milli Vanilli that say it best:

Girl, you know it’s true
Oooh, oooh, oooh
I love you.


Anonymous said...


It may be 1.30 am and I may have been alerted to this by someone who doesn't even know you, but this is the most beautiful thing I've read in a long time.

I'm crying now - but we've been crying for weeks.

Kobrinsky - I'll miss her too godammit.


Anonymous said...

Gees, the Naked Kobrinsky sure sounds like a real cocksucker. But rumour has it she'll totally miss Alice and all the girls too.

Billy Zane said...

Hans and Franz, eh? I did a film with them once. I had to go way down into my dark place to make my character believable. The production of said film was really difficult but I came out the other end with a lot of new, quality poems. Many of them were about Alice but they were mostly about my pain and sorrow. I am so sensitive, you know...

Bette O'Callaghan said...

Alice, what can I say, you've captured our darlin' perfectly, magnificently, totally. She's gone n' there's a hole where I once had a heart. Thank christ I have you n' my other ladies to keep me goin'.

Alpha Cunt