Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Stupid Glasses

I lost my glasses today. Those of you with 20/20 vision may not really understand, but this is a big deal. I have very bad eyesight. Sure, my glasses are supercute, but I need to wear corrective eyewear. It’s not a fashion choice.

“But, AliceI hear you asking, “How could you possibly lose glasses that you wear all the time?”

That’s a very good question. The answer? I just don’t know.

I spent the day at home today because I was ill, and at about 2:30 in the afternoon I fell asleep while reading. Now, obviously I was wearing my glasses to do the aforementioned reading. As often happens in similar situations, I took my glasses off and, in a dreamlike state, placed them on the bed beside me.

When I woke up from my little nap (in which I dreamed I was going to school at Hillman College and I’d had a falling out with Dwayne over Freddie moving in with boy roommates – he didn’t approve, and I thought he was being old fashioned. And then I think I may have had a dream about pirates, but I don't remember details), I reached for my glasses, and they weren’t where I expected them to be.

Now, this happens all the time, so I wasn’t alarmed. I checked the usual places – my bedside table, the bookcase beside my bed and the floor on either side of the bed. But, no. No glasses.

It’s time to take the search to the next level. I’d previously been at Level One, or the “blindly groping” level, which consists of mainly looking by feel, as my eyesight is so appalling.

Level Two, or the “getting very close to what I’m looking at” level, consists of crawling around on the floor, checking every inch of my bed, lifting my mattress to make sure they haven’t fallen on the floor.

Level Three, or the “crap, where the hell could they freaking be, I should put in my contacts” level, consists of me putting in my contact lenses to better aid the search. I check all the previously searched places again. No dice.

Now, just to let you in on the amusing bit – my flat is approximately the size of an average bedroom. Maybe a little bit bigger. So, there’s not a lot of places that these stupid glasses could be.

Level Four, or “okay, take a break and then look again before you freak out” level, consists of me taking a break before looking again, in order to prevent freaking out. Because where could they have gone? It’s at this level that I begin to construct very elaborate situations to explain what may have happened to them.

Level Five, or the “intensive search undertaken while vision is good” level, consists of my doing a very intensive search of the area surrounding my bed, including inside my pillow cases, cause you never know. This is also the level at which I realize that there are quite a few cobwebs in my flat. Ew. I should do something about that.

And, finally, after about half an hour of serious searching, I found them. In a tiny space between my bookcase and my fabulous chair. How did they get there? Absolutely no idea. Maybe during the dream about pirates, I knocked them off the bed.

It’s a little more plausible than the theory I was developing in which someone had snuck into my flat while I was asleep and, instead of stealing things that are actually valuable, actually stole my glasses.

But no, I’m just a dumbass. Remember, Alice. Always put your glasses on the bedside table. Always.


Anonymous said...

I'm just glad this story didn't wrap up with that old cliche, "on-top-of-my-head" ending.

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